Skip to content

I was a Teenage Fag Hag

March 28, 2008

https://i2.wp.com/is1.okcupid.com/users/250/558/2505596214544241980/mt1105986604.jpgDan Savage, who I have a completely non-sexual crush on, recently podcasted about “fag hags,” prompting me to think about my own experience as a hag. It’s weird to hear a stranger talk about these near-universal experiences and feel like something precious and painful about my adolescence has been exposed as common and rather pedestrian.

Fag hag is a term I’ve never felt comfortable with, but I am going to use it in the way that Dan Savage used it in his podcast – a straight (or orientation-unknown) woman who gets into an intense, quasi-romantic, co-dependent relationship with a gay man.

//scanned.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/kermit_misspiggy.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.I was a fag hag, although I wouldn’t have termed it that way at the time. I had a very intimate, completely non-sexual, relationship with a boy in high-school who was “straight” (read: closeted) when I met him, “bi” (read: semi-closeted) when he dumped me, and gay shortly afterward. He broke my heart and made my last year of high-school complete misery ,although, to be fair, most of high-school was pretty miserable anyway. It was a strange, painful time for me, and probably for him as well, and it was even stranger to hear a sex-advice columnist talk about it as if he knew me.

Why does fag-haggery happen? Well, being a teenager is tough. It’s easy for young gay men who either aren’t out or aren’t completely out and young women who are unsure of their sexuality to use each other to fulfill emotional needs while being completely sexually safe. I didn’t need to worry that he would try anything, and he could have someone to talk to about boys.

//damnstraight.oversampled.net/images/FagHag%20by%20Joe%20Rocco%202006.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.Unfortunately, although the gay boy is not going to fall for the girl there is no guarantee that the opposite won’t happen, and so when the guy does come out and start developing romantic relationships, the change in relationship can feel like a break-up to the girl. In my case, it definitely was a break-up. He severed all ties, started blaming me for all his problems, isolated me from our mutual friends, and broke my heart again. Can I say one more time how much being a teenager sucks?

Yes, I was in love with him. Yes, that was totally unfair to him. Similarly, his abandonment of me and the friendship we had built up over the years was a harsh betrayal and unfair to me. Still, not untypical. Who knows what would have happened if he had tried to let me down easy. Maybe I would not have let go. Then again, maybe I could have gotten through adolescence with a little less self-loathing.

So, fags: be nice to your hags. Hags: be fair to your fags. Both of you: grow up by the end of high-school and have adult relationships with people, regardless of sexuality.

Teenagers: it gets better, I promise.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. angela permalink
    April 2, 2008 12:05 pm

    omg so trueee. I am a total faghag.
    and me and my fag kinda had a break up so to say. but thankfully we got over it and are getting better. I think that with most hags so to say they have their gayboys all to them selves for so long and then when they find a relationship we kinda pull back and dont want to share with anyone else or let anyone know our little quirks. But this is exactly what every fag and hag go thru.

  2. Carolina permalink
    April 2, 2008 8:34 pm

    I am a teen fag hag. I am totally not ready for my boy to go out and get a girl. However, I seriously don’t have romantic feelings about him; we talk about guys and stuff. What you went through sounds seriously harsh! I do get really jealous when he talks to girls I don’t know, but I fully support him when he hits on guys that he likes. Is that normal?

  3. Mouhanad permalink
    July 22, 2009 11:05 pm

    Hey there,

    I love Lily Allen, her song Fag Hag is great! I actually wrote something about her on my blog Not Sure… I hope u read it, here is a link

    http://mouhanad.wordpress.com/

    I love ur blog BTW! good luck!

  4. Lily permalink
    August 14, 2009 12:07 am

    Carolina, yes. I met my gay in high school and now we go to different colleges and I get jealous of the girls he hangs out with there. I’m kind of afraid of being replaced as his fag hag. The fear, I’ve found, is excessive. He does more than enough to show me that I’m special to him. I love his boyfriend and of course I love him, but it isn’t a romantic love- it’s a love that stems from being very close to a person and ‘getting’ each other. I think that you feel a special connection with him that you don’t want to lose to another girl that could take your place as his best friend. Boyfriend’s are different– they won’t replace you they just fill a different place in your friend’s life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: